11th February 2013
After another night of partying at Lapa and Ipanema Beach in the evening last night, Auston, Dave and I duly returned to Ipanema Beach the next day to get some much-needed sun. After all, I’m in Rio and I still look like Casper the Ghost. Just. I did catch a few rays when I was on Lapa Steps the day before bit this time, the tops are coming off and I’m going to sunbathe to the max.
Being decidedly british with my rolled up towel under one arm and a dab of excess suncream on my nose, I glanced up at the sun and pulled my hat lower. It’s hot. Sizzlingly hot. Imagine me as a piece of bacon waiting to be scaled for someone’s butty. Wait, that sounds wrong.
Anyway, off we trooped to the seafront and we were greeted immediately with this:
Where the hell do we sit?!
Packed rows and rows to the sea itself, we ouched our feet across the hot sand to the sea and looked for a good opening to lay our towels down…that was after we got a round of Caipirinhas of course. Spying a great place 2 rows from the edge of the crowd from the sea, we set about putting up camp. Placing my bag and my drink on the sand, I went OCD on laying out the towel. So engrossed was I, that I didn’t hear the yelps of the people around us, or even register a big tidal wave rushing through my ankles inland. Yelping myself, I tore my bag out of the water but was extremely dismayed to find my beloved Caipirinha gone…for some sea horse’s enjoyment. Bastard.
Dejected, we went further into the crowd and sat down enjoying some warm beer we purchased earlier on. I wanted my Caipirinha! But the sun was still here. Whipping off my top, and applying suncream, I became very much aware of my body. Why? Because of the bodies around me. Now, let me tell you this. Brazilians, both men and women have VERY fit bodies. And it’s a complete joke to compare my body with the men here. I mean…look at this?!
How can I compete against that, my white pasty and slightly toned body? Maybe that Caipirinha washed away was a good thing, no more alcohol! What?! What am I thinking? No alcohol in Rio during Carnaval?! Sighing I chugged the rest of my beer. Maybe I should take a dip. The sun’s clearly getting to my brain.
Walking into the sea, I nearly died. Okay, I’m being melodramatic but in no way I was ready for the rip current. Sweeping me under the surface from being knee-deep, I was carried down the beach a little way before I could regain that composure. Okay, the waves are strong. Finding my way back, fighting the current, I grabbed Dave before he could go in any further and told him to live. We did! We played with the waves. It was awesome! Can you see I’m having a great time?!
Like this for a few more hours of dipping into the sea, sunbathing, drinking warm beer and repeat, you could forgive me for being startled when I heard a huge grunt behind me. Looking behind me, I was reduced to shock…pure shock. Remember when I said everywhere around me, there were fit bodies. Well, I retract that statement. Slapping Auston, I motioned with my eyes to get him to look behind him as well. He looked and again was reduced to pure shock. Here was a ginormous woman in the tiniest bikini possible. But, no that’s not it. I thought her wig dropped into her lap. But guys, it wasn’t a wig. She just hasn’t maintained her ‘garden’ properly. Running down the insides and thighs of her legs and even up her stomach, she just looked like a creature from the black lagoon. OMG, Auston and I mouthed to ourselves. We’ve seen it all.
With the wave coming in again, we were forced to move but as the day turned to early evening, we packed up and headed for a good drink to celebrate the success of our suntanning. With a beer tower of course…
So was Ipanema Beach worth it? I reckon it is. A good Perv, a good tanning session, a playground of a sea and a lost Caipirinha. Course it is. How happy am I? 100%!